I Hate Myself For Losing You
by IWillBeBlackStar
Summary: AU Edward/OC slash for those fans. Please read and review Don't want to give anything away


**I Hate Myself For Losing You**

**Chapter One**

**My Immortal**

AGLNAOGHAWOENAOIWHENGNWAEGHNWAOEG!!!!

Edward Cullen's alarm clock buzzed in some language that he obviously knew. He knew he didn't need his alarm clock to wake up in the morning but he liked to feel more human in his never ending life. He sighed, his breath echoing in his empty room, a deep contralto of a voice that will never know the end of time itself.

He slowly got up from his bed, the silver sheets not making a sound against his ice skin. He looked quickly into his reflection in a mirror that hung over his bed and sighed once more. He did that constantly, he sighed in class, he sighed at home, anywhere. There was one reason he sighed almost every moment in his life. He wished he didn't have to remember the moment where his life broke like a rock was thrown at a car's window.

He looked down. He couldn't bear to think about it. He shivered at the memory; he never did that unless he knew it was a day that school wouldn't help his heart at the time. To that, he laid right back to his bed in his black boxers and bare, chalk pale chest. He let his tears of sorrow fall down his cold cheeks and soon, his thoughts drifted, and impossibly, he fell asleep, a long, dead but breathing sleep. It was impossible to do this due to the fact that he was half fallen, half holy.

/~/

"_Edward," a light voice called out._

_Edward opened his eyes and laid his eyes upon his secret love and best friend: Lesley Roy. He had met Lesley Roy in his first year as a transfer student to Duff high School in 1987, the time of dance pop._

"_Come on Edward," Lesley grabbed his hands and Edward felt something in his chest begin to drop like a weight from a building roof. He looked into his beloved's eyes, the deep, chocolate brown eyes that were covered by long, silky eyelashes. He smiled innocently as they walked to the lunch line. It was February 7, a week before Lesley's birthday, Valentine's Day._

_Edward blankly stared at Lesley, his eyes wondering mindlessly, taking mental pictures for a rainy day. He didn't know why, but he couldn't resist his fem-like male companion. Their hands were still intertwined with each other as Lesley took a slice pf pizza and a cup of tea; he always bought that for lunch and Edward took another slice of pizza and another tea: he knew Lesley would ask for it. He didn't like to eat in front of other people unless Lesley and he were alone._

_They took their seats, wedged between the cheerleaders and the nerds and talked about the release of Tiffany's debut album with Lesley' favorite song "I Think We're Alone Now," _

_Lesley took a swig of his drink and looked at Edward's chest. Right on top of its snow white figure laid a necklace that Lesley had made him for Edward's birthday last summer. He never took it off to show that he really liked to be with Lesley. He was afraid to tell Lesley his feelings, afraid that Lesley wouldn't be with him any longer. _

"_Edward," He looked up to Lesley's eyes and grinned. Lesley tucked back his long black hair and smiled back slowly. He felt his face redden as his words stuttered out. "I was wondering if you were planning to do something tonight,"_

_He grinned wider and let each word of his answer slur slowly. "No, nothing at all, why?"_

"_I was um," He loved the way Lesley would push his glasses up his face. He pushed his black jacket's sleeves up to his elbows as he let out the last words. "I was wondering if you would like to come to my house and you know, write some songs or something," His voice grew out at the last word._

_Edward flashed his white teeth and murmured a yes. Lesley smiled and the bell rang. They both said bye as they went their separate ways, Lesley to Language Arts and Edward to Geometry. _

_That was a week before _**it **_happened. _

/~/

Edward shot up and felt his breath gasp out. The lights of full moon shine on his nearly bare body. He felt sweat trickle down his forehead and his breaths began to go faster. He couldn't stand his dreams making him bear the memories of his old friend Lesley Roy. He felt his tears grow as he recalled the memory of his falling.

He stepped steadily onto the ledge of his banister. He felt the picture of his beloved Lesley in his pocket crumple. He had put on a pair of skin tight jeans that reminded him of Lesley once more. He closed his eyes, feeling the blood in him flow in his veins. His chest was left bare to feel the breeze. His out of control bronze hair fluttered. A black crow echoed its voice in the distance.

He jumped.

He felt the adrenaline move throw his body, its impulse fueling him quickly. His non beating heart thumped lifelessly. He felt the wings of a demon spring from his bare back and he felt the used adrenaline and blood spurt out from his back and splatter the trees surrounding him. The pitch black shadows of the night bellowed at the burning blood that hit the damp ground.

The long, deep black and blood red bat-like wings flapped and moved the air around him out of his way. His black sleeved violet iPod banged his favorite song "Mercy of My Loss," He created it himself putting may song's lyrics together and composing the music and vocals himself. He kept a straight face as the tears fell and he sang to the song.

I dream in darkness  
I sleep to die  
Erase the silence  
Erase my life  
Our burning ashes  
Blacken the day  
A world of nothingness  
Blow me away

The truth is hiding in your eyes  
And it's hanging on your tongue  
Just boiling in my blood  
But you think that I can't see

It was you and me against the world

I remember the day you slipped away

I blame, I hate myself for losing you

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again,  
I know that I can't, I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly  
The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found  
it won't be the same, ooh

You found me when no one else was looking

You're the best, and yes I do regret  
How I could let myself let you go  
Now, now the lessons learned  
I touched and I was burned  
Oh I think you should know

I hate myself for losing you  
I'm seeing it all so clear  
I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here

Yeah, you broke through  
All of my confusion  
The ups and the downs  
And you still didn't leave  
I guess that you saw what nobody could see

Hurt me to see you go away

To see you slip away,

It made me fall apart like a broken mirror

I blame, I hate myself for losing you

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand

I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror  
And staring at you is why he's not here

After he slipped away, you can't live anymore

Where is the mercy of my loss?

I hurt now, no more happiness

I truly regret not telling you

Telling you my inner self, feelings, everything

I regret

I blame, I hate myself for losing you

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand

You found me when no one else was looking

I dream in darkness  
I sleep to die

I miss you and there's no mercy for my loss

The full moon was high in the sky and he flew right past it. Black feathers fell to the ground, slowly and drifty. Another song began, and it was just right for the moment.

An angel's wings flap in the night

Escape the pain, escape the fright

Try to make everything alright

Hold you close in the moonlight

Demon inside us all

Shaking, shivering from the moments

Our last moment together

The candle's lit, I thought we'd be forever

I blame myself after all

I press my lips to your chest

You take yourself away to a better place

But I live on too long

You wished me the best

I was too late

I blame the demon in me after all

There's a demon inside us all

Demons took my angel away

I don't care about the people who've stayed

Can't bear to look at your pale face

Please wake up and tell me you love me

Wake up and don't cry, just breathe on me

Damn the demon inside my soul

After all

Please pres your lips to mine again

Should've told you I wanted to be more than friends

Your angel life came to an end

I was too late

The demon's fault, I beg of my Him not me

Everyone has a demon in them

A demon took my angel away

I was shaken

By your taking

It's not easy breathing

When your heart's not beating

I thought it was forever

You and me together

Nothing will ever be better again

The last time our lips touched

Was the last time I held you my love

I wanted a permanent "us,"

It was just too much

I was too late

Please hate the demon not me,

Who has no demon inside them,

Can't be human

A demon took my life and my angel away

Left with a heart break

The demon couldn't wait

Shook me like an earthquake

Stake at my heart, falling apart

I was just too late

Demons killed you, don't blame me please

There's a demon inside us all

A demon took my angel away


End file.
